Guest Review: Dolphin Erection Arouser

Editor's Note: I don't normally do this, especially since this submission is intended to be serious, but today I received a guest review from a dolphin, and I felt the issues addressed were important enough to post this review of the Dolphin Erection Arouser.

Dear Jen,

I know you write a humor site, and it's not that I take issue with comedy, or with human comedy, or with your comedy -- in fact, I greatly enjoyed your History of Philosophy in 90 Seconds -- but I have a serious issue with this so-called Dolphin Erection Arouser.

In my photo, it might look like I'm smiling, but I'm not. That's just what dolphins look like. Dolphins are not only supposed to have great big "smiles", they are supposed to have great big "erections." The lady dolphins, I daresay, have become accustomed to it.

And I'm not smiling because 1) I'm not fucking Shamu, and 2) I have Erectile Dysfunction.

So, imagine my delight when, after clicking on a link to my favorite comedienne's sex toy store, I discovered the Dolphin Erection Arouser.

But, oh, wait. "Made of jelly material, this ring is stretchy to fit all sizes. The small jelly animal tickles your clit."

"Jelly material" -- sure, fine. As a lonely single dolphin ... from time to time, I've been known to pummel a jellyfish.

"Stretchy to fit all sizes" -- really, now? I am a dolphin. Is your product prepared for a two-foot-long limp dolphin cock, you goddamn false-advertising Swedes?

"The small jelly animal tickles your clit" -- I HATE YOU. I DON'T HAVE A CLIT. I AM A MALE DOLPHIN TRYING TO ACHIEVE A FUCKING ERECTION AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING!

I HATE YOU. NO, I MEAN, I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU SPECIESIST SWEDISH SEX-TOY CUNTS. I'D FUCKING RAPE YOU UNDERWATER IF I COULD GET A GODDAMN ERECTION!

Sincerely,
A Dolphin

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